Uncle Kracker Crumbles

By Josh

The latest case of a talentless musician getting arrested involves the redneck-rocker known as Uncle Kracker, forcible sexual offense, half-baked exit strategies and $5 million dollars. Whoo!

Unfortunately, it’s not as tasty as it sounds.

This whole story reeks of that celebrity standard, where an egocentric “artistâ€? sells himself as a “big dealâ€? to a sexy female only to get rejected.

Things got ugly when Mr. Kracker’s ritzy lifestyle didn’t impress the object of his desire. Being the sloppy dude he is, Mr. Cracker attempted to go for the woman’s cookie without permission. Cops were called, and Kracker was jacked at an Embassy Suites Hotel in North Carolina.

Bail was set at a whopping $5 million dollars, since anyone willing to bail a man named “Uncle Kracker” out of jail must be a complete moron with money to burn.

Seeing that his music career has been stagnant (read: over) for some time, the singer of “Follow Me” can now look forward to his cracker getting buttered-up.