Re-Enter the Dragon

Warner Bros. development department is compiled mostly of wh*res.Why the harshness do you ask? Good question, and my answer is simple. Don’t f**k with perfection.

Did the Vatican say, “Ya know Benny, da’ta ceiling on’a da’ chapel sure is molte bene, but don’t you a’ wish we coulda’ redo it wit a little CGI? Lika’ da’ Matrix?” No they didn’t. In ‘72, did Shula say, “You know what guys, I know we are undefeated but I want to make sure everyone gets a chance to play – Go on third team! You’re in!” No he did not. Did Ron Jeremy say, “You know what, maybe I shouldn’t be the only 350 lb porn star with DD-man-boobs – Jenny Craig here I come!” Hells no, the Hedgehog did no such thing.

Why, pray tell, would anyone in their right mind agree to remake Enter the Dragon.

For those of you not in the know, WB is trying to remake this classic. The WORST part? The Hollywood Hacks lining up for a piece. One of my buddies is doing an internship over there and leaked some of the people vying for casting attention. I have picked out only the truly horrific submissions, whose agents have been supposedly going bats**t hounding the casting director the moment the breakdown was made public.

I must warn you, those with weak constitutions need to click away, or just punch your computer screen:

Lee played by Ong-Bak (not bad, just not BL)

Roper played by Tom Cruise (ugh…just threw up in my mouth a little)

Williams played by 50 cent (God have mercy, I wish I was kidding)

Ohara played by Jon Cena (WTF?!?!?!?!?!)

Look, I have nothing against people making their money, but not this way. You guys screwed with Star Wars…FINE. Mess with Apocalypse Now…OK. Texas Chainsaw…WHATEVER. Leave Enter the Dragon alone. This is an official warning. The sequence of events that will follow will include locusts, famine, war and eventually Ragnarok (the end times). That movie is part of the legacy that forces every heterosexual male to embrace Bruce Lee as the baddest MoFo ever. To change that film would be to alter the puberty cycle of the modern man.

You see Enter the Dragon, you go “Holy S**t, that was cool?” You then experience Fists of Fury and eventually if you are dedicated, you work your way to Game of Death. This is where you learn that Kareem Abdul Jabbar was a student of Bruce’s in real life. It opens up a whole new world of drunken fighting at bars, when your beer muscles are kicking and you think you are Bruce.

I plead to you money-grubbing-corporate-wh*res…do something else with Cuba Gooding Jr. or some REALLY cute movie where Vin Diesel and Adam Sandler adopt a middle-aged Chris Tucker – hijinx ensue! Trust me when I tell you that you can ruin American cinema in 1,000,000 other ways, just not this one.