The Inner Monologue of a Lonely Myspace User as He Goes Through His Friend Requests

By Tommy

WOW!  Five new friend requests!  Oo la la, Candi from Tuscon is smokin’ hot.  Where is Tucson again?  I think it’s one of the boroughs of New York or something.  Sweet, that means she’s only like two hours away.  So worth it.  She’s obviously into me, it musta been my killer profile pic.  Girls are attracted to artsy guys I guess.  Actually…is it the white balance or the mohawk?  She prolly thinks I’m a huge rebel.  I mean, I totes am.  Mom didn’t want me to get a tat of a swastika on my neck, but I’m a free spirit.  Girls are attracted to free spirits.  That’s why Candi’s trying to get access to my prof.  I’m so brilliant for setting it to private.  Now all these smokin’ babes are gonna think I’m exclusive.  Confirmed, Candi.  Let’s do dinner and breakfast sometime.

What the- Jesus?  Is that you?  I didn’t know you had a computer!! Well actually now that I think about it, heaven prolly has a dece highspeed connection.  And JC can basically do whatever he wants, being the son of God and all.  Well, except live.  He was pretty bad at that.  What a pansy.  You know what, I’m Jewish now.  It just makes more sense.  Sorry Christ, you’ve been REJECTED!  And if he’s truly forgiving, I’ll still get into heaven.  So phat.

Crap, I just remembered I have a swastika on my neck.  This Jewish thing isn’t going to work out.  Maybe I’ll be Buddhist.  They seem friendly enough.  Plus I’ve always liked llamas.  Yeah that’ll do.

Walrus Rubble?  Wtf is that?  Hmm, looks like an alt-rock band from Wichita.  Geez, this music sucks.  Are they even playing the same song as each other??  This hurts my ears.  And the page has terrible aesthetics.  Orange and pink really don’t go well together.  Sorry guys, I’ve only known you for 2 minutes and I already hate everything about you.

Woah, Carmen Electra!  What are you doing going after a guy like me?  I’m flattered.  It must be my body art, that’s what attracted you to Dennis Rodman.  I’m such a player.

Who’s this one?  Mandy Leibowitz?  Ohhhh we went to junior high together!!  She was always such a dweeb.  I honestly don’t remember ever talking to you, Mandy.  I hardly even know you, how dare you add me as a friend.  I want to make one thing clear: we are not and never have been friends.  Rejected like you on prom night, loser.