Style Alert: Tank Toppers

I surveyed 100 men on the street and asked them for their top 10 fears. The list is as follows:

1. Dog the Bounty Hunter
2. Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
3. Gregory Peck
4. AID’s
5. Tank tops

I’m just going to stop at tank tops as this insecurity brings up an important style issue. Most men feel that they have to be a lifetime member of Gold’s Gym before they can even think about purchasing a nice tank top. This is another lie pushed on you by muscular men everywhere. The skinnier and more sickly you look, the better a tank top will look on you, just take a trip to Eastern Europe in August. Some of you rock old school basketball jerseys from the your youth when basketball was both entertaining and filled with uninhibited drug use (see: Shawn Kemp) and you guys are on the right track. However, you can’t wear basketball jerseys to church, but you are obsessed with the freedom and sleeziness provided to you from the tank tops, so what do you do?

You head down to the nearest H & M or Zara and pick up a couple dozen nice, loose-fitting, colorful tank tops for your pleasure and masculinity. Careful to make them not too loose or else the kids at school will start calling you Milli Vanilli and that’s going to do a number on your maleness ranking. Furthermore, Girls love confidence, and what shows more self-confidence than a tank top showing off the weight loss/dietary benefits of years of meth use.