Ask a Girl #1: My Least Favorite Sex Locations

In college, my friends and I would constantly try to one-up each other with our sexcapades. If it wasn’t the quantity (“Three times last night, bitches!â€?) it was the creative positions (“Flying fish sandwich, anyone?â€?) or exciting locations (“50 Yard line at the Big Houseâ€?). And while I loved to play along and try to keep up with my girls, I found myself enjoying some good old fashioned bedroom sex more than all the others. Don’t get me wrong; it isn’t like I didn’t try. Just like my lovely roommates I would spend my evenings getting freaky all over town. On top of the dryer? Check. In the bathroom of our favorite bar? Got it. I even hit three of my seven roommates’ beds.

It’s not like the sex was bad in my shower/other locations, it was just that it didn’t always have that KAPOW that I was expecting. There were, however, three locations that were particularly bad. Like bad, bad.

1. The Kitchen Table: I always dreamed of having sex on the kitchen table. The guy sweeps his arm across the table throwing everything on the floor, lifts me up and we go at it. In theory this is a great idea. In practice – especially if you are at your man’s house – it isn’t quite the same. After laying back on the table I found myself immersed in some sort of mystery substance that had probably been stuck on the table for weeks. And once we started doing our thaaang, I kept slipping away from my man. If he hadn’t been grasping onto my legs (which left marks) I probably would have fallen off the other side. Oh and a wood tabletop – not so comfortable.

2. Hammock: Obviously, this is not the best place to hook up. But sometimes laying on a hammock and cuddling is a really romantic/cute experience. That leads to kissing. That leads to groping. That leads to an uneven balance of weight. That leads to a painful drop to the hard ground below. That leads to killing whatever mood was there to begin with.

3. Car: It always looks so hot on TV, but when you are 5’10 like me it just doesn’t work quite as well. I don’t remember much from the experience (I tried blocking it out) except for a gear shift in my back, limbs getting entangled and a few inadvertent toots on the horn. Maybe a limo would have been better?

I guess I am just a little more boring in the bedroom than I ever liked to admit. Perhaps you could recommend some awesome new sex locations? I really need to spice things up.

• Share