We Didn’t Start the Fire … Oh, Wait!

It's Sunday afternoon and you are just typing away on your Dell laptop, finishing up a paper that is due on Monday, when, all of a sudden, the battery spontaneously combusts.

By COED Staff

Fires can happen anywhere, and since college students are usually high or drunk, dorms are a common locale. Especially, because there are literally hundreds of ways to spark a good ole conflagration (look that one up, kids). Try these 15 ways, for instance:

1.Match-flicking
2.Overlooked embers of burning marijuana
3.Lit candles forgotten
4.The SAE cement lion, the icon of Sig Alph, miraculously catching fire to welcome in another keg party.
5.Cars catching fire, because oil hasn't been put in them in months.
6.Exploding car batteries
7.Ill-tempered gas grills behind the fraternity house
8.Bonfires
9.Stray fireworks and bottle rockets.
10.Throwing a firecracker down the trash chute.
11.Cigarettes and couches
12.Lighting cigarettes on the stove (not that any of us ever did that).
13.Candles and sex. Sort of Body of Evidence style.
14.Too many electronics in one power outlet (like by this editor’s desk).
15.Microwave mishaps (leaving things in far too long … like putting popcorn in for 30 minutes instead of three).

Furthermore, winning a championship is always a good reason to start a fire, and so is losing a championship game, for that matter. Nothing says “school spirit” like chucking a Molotov cocktail to a police cruiser.

If you are having trouble getting a v-carded girl to sleep with you, start a rumor that the school is going to start burning virgins at the stake. That will loosen her up quickly.

Want to take out the honors dorm across the quad? Construct a catapult and fire large flaming rocks at it. Works every time.

I remember one time I had this pesky mouse in my dorm that avoided capture for months. Finally, on a chilly fall Saturday, I was able to lure it into a shoebox with a nice piece of aged Brie (mice love Brie; it's just a fact).

On that fateful day, I just so happened to be burning leaves in a pile after raking them, a chore I had to do because I was on probation for starting the Franco Prussian War.

So I put two and two together and tossed the rodent onto the pile of burning leaves. Unfortunately, the mouse, now on fire, ran back into the house underneath a window setting the whole house on fire. That rat bastard.

Boy was my face red.