Food Is for Wimps

After a decade of working hard, partying harder and eating healthy only every other day, CO-ED Editor-in-Chief Kirk Miller decided to try out a six-day personal detox/fast plan. For the first three days, he could only drink water and drink juice; there was also a strict regimen of vitamins and assorted body cleansers (warm water with sea salt) that he had to ingest. Days 4-6 he was allowed to add brown rice, raw vegetables and fruit to the mix. This is his blog on his food journey.

DAY ONE: My inevitable first post about the fast. I wasn’t going to post anything on this, if only because my energy levels are a little low, but the lovely Angela [Kirk's friend] insisted I do so (following an extraordinarily uncomfortable conversation about poo and urine … neither of which women do. Weird but true biological fact!)

Day 1 wasn’t bad, except for the lack of caffeine. I can have all the juice I want (that gets old REALLY fast), spring water and … wait for it, it’s exciting … decaf herbal tea. That’s it. Oh, and lots of vitamins, which have apparently turned my piss a lovely fluorescent color. It’s like the Miami Vice of urine. Wait, that was more of a pastel. Never mind. Maybe I’m thinking about Colin Farrell too much, ha ha. Note: I’m not gay.

DAY TWO: Yeah, food would be nice right about now. I left a party early last night to go home and … well, the plan was to read and watch TV. I lasted 10 minutes before I zoned out. I woke up, felt slightly hungover (?), fell back asleep and then decided I better start my day. Strangely, also feeling very, very … well, to be honest, frisky. I think my hormones are enjoying the detox period.

I’m currently rocking out with a half-glass of some cranberry/orange/mango juice thingy (not so good), some water and, moments ago, I just took a “salt wash” (16 oz. of warm water and two teaspoons of non-iodized sea salt, swallowed quickly). According to Seth, my co-faster this week, I’m supposed to “hang out by the bathroom after I take this, cause [I'll] be in there for 30-60 minutes.” Hmmm, can’t wait. Wonder what I’ll be doing in there? Maybe some macram'!

Supposedly, the “fun” part of this fast is to see what your body craves. It’s not quite what I thought. My carb obsession hasn’t kicked in too much … I’m starting to crave things I don’t even eat so much. What I’ve missed, food-wise, in order:

Coffee (9 a.m. yesterday)
Cheesesteak (about 2 p.m.)
Miso soup (6 p.m.)
Beer (7 p.m.)
Any form of chicken. Any form at all (10 p.m.)
Coffee (9 a.m. today)
Bagel with cream cheese and lox (11 a.m.)

Soft-shell tacos (noon)

Four and a half more days …

DAY THREE: Starvation is Healthy
I’m weak … hard to walk for too long, and any strenuous exercise (walking, running, sex, mountain climbing, cliff diving, running from the bulls … ok, I’ve only done three of those) makes me feel like chowing down.

I’m really craving an everything bagel with cream cheese. That’s been the constant for three days. Indian food (the more benign stuff) has also been on the list. Pizza SMELLS good, but I can’t imagine eating it. Actually, I’m now hungry and not craving anything except an end to this … craving.

I’m six hours and 15 minutes from part II of this, where I can eat brown rice (whee), fruits and veggies, along with the water and juice. I’m actually not that excited about this … it’s food, yeah, but I feel like I'm just going to be teasing me. I’m sort of getting used to having nothing … what will almost nothing do to it?

No weird body functions to report, although I’ve started grinding my teeth and making weird chewing motions with my mouth. Tongue is white. I think I’ve lost weight, but I feel strangely bloated at the moment (must be that half-glass of cranberry juice.)

I’m already planning my Wed. night (well, Thu. 12:01 a.m.) meal. I’m thinking it should be something really mellow, like the world’s blandest chicken quesadilla. Maybe a granola bar. Crackers? Soup? I need white foods. Bland, white edibles.

I have four hours of work to do and no energy. Should be fun!

Oddly, I had a really nice weekend, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Even an everything bagel.
I think the problem with diets and fasts is that all you think about is food.

DAY FOUR: Cookies! I crave chocolate-chip cookies. Homemade ones. I want to make chocolate chip cookies. This is all I could think about last night when I was making my first meal in three days, an undelicious mix of organic brown rice and assorted vegetables.

I’m excited to bake cookies. I haven’t done this in 10 years. I think there’s some sort of “going back to childhood” or “comfort food” statement to be made here … or maybe I just really fucking want COOKIES.

The Cookie Monster had issues, no? I mean, was “cookie” a euphemism for “crystal meth”? I've never seen a creature so adamant about getting Toll House.

Cookies.

By the way, all food seems gross to me now. That brown rice? Ick. The piece of fruit I had this morning? Making me ill. Thanks, fasting plan!

I think I’m going to try the sauna at my gym today, sweat out some toxins. That should be nice and gross.

I miss toxins. Esp. the ones you mix with a tonic and lime.

DAY FIVE: What's Up with Vegans?
Romaine lettuce, grilled vegetables, roasted red peppers, cherry tomatoes … my lunch, and yet still bland.

Weirdly, I think my co-faster Seth is getting much more out of the cleansing part of this diet. My bathroom habits haven’t changed recently, I don’t think I’ve lost much weight, and instead of energy, I just have a headache.

Off to eat organic grapes … which is about $4 more than the non-organic type. Nice.

DAY SIX: I'm Doing okay …
Just heard that Lance Bass is gay. Big surprise. Anyway, my fast: yesterday: the worst. Headache, tired, moody. Today: don’t feel like eating, but I’m doing just fine. Weird, right? I tried to sweat out some toxins yesterday in the sauna. It may have worked.

Seth and I are planning our 12:01 a.m. meal tonight. Mmmm … food.

DAY SEVEN: Ahhhh …
I hate Seth. We arrive at 7A, the local crappy 'bistro' (in other words, they serve food 24 hours a day, never a good sign), and he pulls an 'I'm not hungry' speech. I've been thinking about this moment for almost a week! Regardless of Mr. Anorexic, I'm eating. Chicken fingers (protein), quesadilla (dairy) and a Red Stripe (alcohol). The fingers are tasteless, the quesadilla is gloppy and the beer is warm.

I don't care. It's the best I've felt all week.

Would I recommend a fast? Seth's gone through 4-5 of 'em and swears they work. While I don't feel the need to shove food in my face or drink excessively, it will be nice to get basic food requirements back into my system. Next time I'm feeling fat or weak, I'm going to just tone it down a little.

It beats starving. And, if you've noticed, I'm definitely a better writer when I'm not obsessed with food.